strange normally i only get ptsd-mares and dreams either when i am really stressed and tired, or when everything is running smoothly... i rarely get them when i'm anywhere in between, though occasionally if i'm having stomach upsets or a flu i get them too.

recently they seem to be strangely frequent, it could be something to do with my recent stomach upsets though i still wonder,. I'm doing well, better than ever before in the past few years, I'm no longer afraid of the past and am confronting them with no hesitation while at the same time i am rebuilding myself, and slowly regaining the me who i once was... the child i thought i lost forever, the child who i once believed i would never ever get back is now slowly waking and i am going to fight everything i can to get back what was robbed from her and she will be back in full

I'm waking from dreams of the past,.. they seem to be frequent now, much more frequent than before,. is it because I'm getting the girl back?, of so it probably is only natural, the more i get in touch with who i once was, more of my past will return too, all these years i've mourned for who i thought i had lost forever,. the memories are just resurfacing.

but i'm different now, i cannot change what has happened in the past, but now i no longer deny what has happened,.. i finally have the courage to accept what has happened did happen, the memories are never going to go away but i'm not afraid of them anymore and nor will i run away from them, I just have to learn to be at peace with these memories, no longer will i deny them, it's finally time i accept them and move on.

though i need to slow down a little, I still do not know what my subconscious memories will throw at me so i need to slow down and build a firm grounding so that i am prepared for what may come at me, and not get thrown off the tract, no doubt i will still fall often and need to climb back up whenever i do but if i can stand strong and firm enough to not fall so easily it will be better in the long run...

so I'm not backing away, still moving foward but going slow, steady, and firm.


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and for the man i love who never gives up hope on me, i wont give up either.